Risk-Less

Because I live in a Black and White world I am not much of a risk taker. I can count the risks I’ve taken in my life. I seldom walk into situations where the outcome is unknown. There are rare occasions that I have had a lapse in judgment but to my knowledge I do not engage in risks. I like to know that I can control the situations that I place myself in. Not to the degree of Neurotic Obsessive Compulsive, but control nevertheless.

As a kid I never did anything that could have been considered risky. I’m sure I caused my parents a bit of grief from time to time, but for the most part I don’t remember any wild shenanigans. I never snuck out of my parents house. I never went toilet papering or egging. I was never around drugs or alcohol, nor did I ever partake. I WAS the ringleader of what we used to call “the treatment” in elementary school where we would “freeze” out any girl we didn’t like by not looking at her and not talking to her. NOT my proudest moment, and certainly NOT my mom’s proudest moment…she threatened to send me to home school at “the whites” with the strangest kids I’d been around…I straightened up.

I DID attempt to “date” before I was sixteen and got away with it if you count going to the movie with friends then sitting by my “boyfriend” when I got there “dating.” I also succeeded in dating one of my brother’s friends; while he was a senior and I was a sophomore …whoa I remember how “bad” I thought I was then...M. Bevan, what a character he used to be! I spent my fair share of time in detention because of him for sure. Any trouble I remember getting myself into in high school always centered around the fact that I was a bit too boy crazy as a teenager.

I stuck a metal object into a light socket when I was about 6…does that count as a risk, curiosity, or pure stupidity…I’m not sure. I used to drive at breakneck speeds everywhere I went, which was risky, but as a teenager I did not realize that I was actually “risking” anything, I was just COOL...with the worlds highest insurance payment and ticked off parents.

My second year of college I moved to the most Ghetto apartment with a girl, Cati, I hardly knew; that WAS risky. These three months were the darkest months of my life, a look right into hell. I was not on the top of my game at all. My closest friends had just moved away and I was recovering from a shattered heart, alone. I was afraid to go in or out of my apartment...believe me, the surrounding area really was THAT BAD. During this three month period of time I foolishly “dated” a guy who looked too good to be true and was, Mr. McGrath truly became a “risk” that I had to change my number and address to avoid. Needless to say the change of address was pending anyway.

I fell head over heels blindly into love; Twice. Now obviously this was and is a risk that not even I can avoid. Not then, not presently and not in the future. Love is a tricky thing, one that I can tell you I’ve not worked out all the “risks” and to my mothers dismay that may be one of the many reasons I’m still very much single. However, Love, as unknown and GREY as it is, it is something that I do not shy away from. One risk I am willing to rush into headlong, usually to my demise.

I’ve never bought anything on credit that I didn’t have a plan to pay off; ahead of schedule. I started out on a career path my junior year of high school and I’ve never deviated. Yes, at the simple age of 16 I knew I wanted to be an accountant. I don’t participate in activities that could physically hurt me; I’ve never broken a bone in my body. I don’t participate in games that have the potential to make me look foolish or out of control. I drive, I don’t ride with others.

I don’t talk to strangers. I meet new people yes, but I let them talk. Most people are more than happy to tell you their lives story. If you listen long enough they are no longer strangers when you finally mention something about yourself. I know more about the people around me than they know about me. My life is not a locked book, but until I’m comfortable with a person it might as well be.

I weigh the pros and cons. I look at the whole picture. I see the different situations that could cause an upheaval and I accept them before I engage. I can’t think of a single situation, relationships aside, that I’ve taken upon myself that I was unaware of the most likely outcome. I control the situations that I engage in and therefore alleviate most risks.

The point of this diatribe (finally, I know): I have recently found myself in a situation that is beyond my control. I am at the whim of another. I recently realized: I AM AN EMPLOYEE.

When The Captain took back the power and merged our firm with two others I went along for the ride, grudgingly but willingly. The Captain depends on me, more than HE knows; I couldn’t leave him, I’m far too loyal for that. Surely it was better than branching out on my own and starting fresh somewhere else. I have a good working relationship with 1/3 of the clients of the newly merged firm. There are SOOO many unknowns in a whole new job; why not stay with the old, yet somewhat revamped job? There were bound to be risks involved, but at face value: there would be less risks.

Now I’m staring into the face of a whole different kind of risk. I am not very happy at my job and I’m considering a HUGE upheaval of my life. The pros at this moment are far out weighing the cons of uprooting and starting something somewhere new. For one, tax season is just around the corner. I love tax season. I could do without some of the long hours, but the work is good – really good. So in light of the fact that I like the work why would I change? For this reason alone: I do not like nor respect one of the partners. This makes for a very awkward work environment and not some place I want to be. Why should I work for someone that I can’t respect? Why indeed.

Knowing the risks involved with branching out to a new job in a horrible economic market, I’ve decided for right now, that I’ll stay and see if I can overcome what could possibly only be a personality conflict. I will focus only on the decent aspect of being an employee and when that fails then I’ll attempt to figure out a riskless move to make. Plain Jane that I am.