Molding...

A wise man has often said:
"If you want to learn you must first learn to listen." I listen all the time, to the radio, the TV, the people around me. I don't miss a beat. I'm constantly listening but up until this week I had not yet learned what it was to truly listen to myself. Far too often I blare the radio, I turn on the TV or I pick up the phone in order to tune out the things in my head. I read books to disappear from the constant musings in my brain. I often wear myself bone tired so I will fall into bed and sleep, and not lie awake and think. I realize that I do this in order to protect myself from worry and over analyzing issues that I often have no control over. I actually learned this practice in college as a means to not have formula's and balance sheets running though my head, then again I also learned to repeat things in my head until all hours of the night in order to pass classes in college. So it seems I've created this problem, and I learned to stop listening to ME.

In light of current events in my life I have found that the only one that will ultimately solve my problem is me. The only one that knows each angle is me. The only one that truly knows what will make me happy...you guessed it, me. So why am I not listening to the one voice that knows me best? Well because I'm a worry wort. That's why. I hype myself up on anxiety and I tend to forget to breathe and my heart races out of my chest when faced with the absolute unknown.

But this week has been different for me. I shut off one form of media and began to listen. Really listen. For the past 7 days I've not turned on the radio in my car at all. Not once. Nope. Never. Frankly the first two days were torture. I was annoyed by every whine of the A/C and each th-thunk of my tires; although I still like the chirping of my blinker!!! But after a time, I began to really think about my choices and their impact on my life. And I've found some clarity. Since I've stopped to listen to me, I've learned more about who and what I am and what I want to gain in this life. This is not to say I've been in the dark the last 25 years, just simply that as things change I've finally gotten a hold of the important things, and I'm making real efforts to rid myself of the unimportant.

One topic I've been musing over is obviously the changes happening at work. I know that loving work makes me a real dork. It also makes me very unique. How many people really love what they do? Taxes have been good to me, and I am very happy with the tax business. I know that auditing, as it is right now, is not for me. I know that I am willing to work extra hours for Keri and the payroll company because it makes me happy and it gives me more depth and variety in what I do. I know that working with Semken over the past 6 years has given me opportunities that would have been hard to find anywhere else at my level of experience. I know that life really isn't about making a million dollars but about making yourself happy with the work you do. So with the changes in the office and the atmosphere I believe that I'm ready to finally have the ill fated conversation with my boss about where I want to see myself in the next five years. I am ready to tell him what I will and will not do, and how I feel about the current situation.

I think I've overcome a huge stepping stone by finally coming to a determination about my own future. I'm ready to take the clay and mold a future I'm willing to live, even if it does mean taking risks that seem scary.